| G | D | C | C | |
| You twisted your | ankle, I | carried you |
| G | D | C | C | |
| You got a di | vorce, so I | married you |
| G | D | C | C | |
| You fell off a | cliff, so I | buried you |
| G | D | C | C | |
| I wish there were more | bad times to | see you through |
| G | C | |
| You | never got | rabies |
| D | G | |
| You | never gained | weight |
| G | C | D | D | |
| You | never came | home with a | scar |
| G | C | D | G | |
| You | never drank | posion, you | watched what you | ate |
| G | C | D | D | |
| You | never so | much as put a | scratch on my | car |
| (Chorus) |
| You never got measles, you never got gout |
| You never suggested charades |
| You never got dizzy, you never fell out |
| You never picked up any live handgrenades |
| Bridge: |
| G | C | G | D | |
| So many | things did go | wrong, but the | list is not |
| G | C | |
| long enough- | not enough |
| G | D | G | |
| bad things to | fill up a | song |
| (Chorus) |
| You never lost contacts, you never leaked oil |
| You never fell to sticks and stones |
| You never drank cleanser, you never ate foil |
| You never chocked on an big chicken bones |
| (Chorus end with a slow G aAfter the final C |