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Ernie The Fastest Milkman In The West  Benny Hill

You could [C]hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
[Am] And the rattle of the wheels as they went 'round and 'round.
And he [F]galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was [G]Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the [C]west.

Now [C]Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived [Am]all alone in Lily Lane at number 22.
They [F]said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,
But [G]Ernie had his cocoa there three times every [C]week.

They called him [C]Ernie, ([Am]Ernie),
And he [F]drove the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
She [C]said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart,"
And [Am]when he'd finished work that night he loaded up the cart.
He [F]said, "D'you want it pasteurized?  'Cause pasteurized is best,"
She says, "[G]Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my [C]chest."
That tickled old [C]Ernie, ([Am]Ernie),
And he [F]drove the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
(Head 'em up! All right!)

Now [C]Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called [Am]Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van.
He [F]tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she [G]seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her [C]head.

He [C]went on the make with his Dundee cake and he said, "If you treat me right,
You'll have [Am]hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night."
He [F]knew once she'd seen his macaroons he'd have his wicked way,
And all [G]Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a [C]day.
Poor [C]Ernie, ([Am]Ernie),
And he [F]drove the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
One [C]lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,
It [Am]drove him mad to see it was still there at half past four.
And as he [F]leapt down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,
And he [G]went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his [C]'orse.
Whose name was [C]Trigger, ([Am]Trigger),
And he [F]pulled the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
Now [C]Ernie ran out into the street with his gold top in his hand,
He [Am]said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man."
"Oh [F]why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied,
"And [G]just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the [C]side."
Now [C]Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They [Am]stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But [F]Ernie was too quick for him, things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a [G]strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his [C]hand.
Now [C]Sue, she came between them and she tried to keep them apart,
And a [Am]three-day-old rock cake caught Ernie underneath the heart.
As he [F]doubled up in agony, the concrete hardened crust
Of a [G]stale meat pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the [C]dust.
Poor [C]Ernie, ([Am]Ernie),
And he [F]drove the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
[C] Ernie was only 68, he didn't wanna die,
Now he's [Am]gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.
Where the [F]customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And a [G]milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy [C]land.
But a [C]woman's needs are many fold and Sue, she married Ted,
But [Am]strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was [F]that the rustle of the leaves? Or the creaking of the gate?
Or [G]Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their [C]crate?
They won't forget [C]Ernie, ([Am]Ernie),
And he [F]drove the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.

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kb467 (report)

Now Sue she ran between them and tried to keep them apart
And Ernie pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart


And he looked up in pained surprise
and the concrete hardened crust
of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust

Ernie was only 52, he didn't want to die..

kb467 (report)

When she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head -

She nearly swooned at his macaroons and he said 'now if you treat me right
you'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night'

He knew once she sampled his layer cake
he'd have his wicked way