Guitar chord forum - chordie — Joke Thread

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (tubatooter1940) — Sat, 30 Mar 2013 13:05:10 +0000

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most often you get a really stinky onion with a bad attitude or a donkey that smells even worse.
But if you are super, super lucky and the moon phase is just right, you can get a piece of a-- that will bring tears to your eyes.

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (whitewater55) — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 12:03:58 +0000

NEWS FLASH!
A truckload of Viagra was hijacked in the wee hours of the morning, near Chicago, Il.
Police are warning the public to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals!

badaboomp

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (cj-5) — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 06:36:23 +0000

If Pro is the opposite of Con,

Then what is the opposite of Progress?

Think about it!

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (tubatooter1940) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 23:50:32 +0000

Whaddya say to a man with three heads?

Hello hello hello

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (tasmith) — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 15:26:54 +0000

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up behind it and grab it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way!

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (tubatooter1940) — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 00:10:48 +0000

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?

The outside.

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (cj-5) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 20:39:39 +0000

OK, I don't know if I remember this right, but here goes;

Three guys who have just died were standing at the pearly gates. St Peter tells them that cars are used in heaven to travel on Heavens highway. He goes on to tell them that for the married souls, the type of car they are given depends on how faithful they were on earth. So, St Peter asks the first guy,"were you faithful to your spouse"? he answers I was married for 50 years and I was absolutely faithful to the very end. After a quick glance in a book St.Peter says Yes you were, then hands him a set of keys to a brand new Cadillac and said welcome to Heaven.

The second guy was asked the same question. He answered, I too was married for 50 years and for the most part I was faithful, however when I was a young man I cheated once. I asked for my wife's forgiveness and never did it again. After a quick glance St Peter said, You speak the truth but because you weren't completely faithful you do not get a Cadillac. St Peter then handed him the keys to a brand new Chevy Sedan and said welcome to Heaven.

The third guy, Now shaking, approaches St Peter who asks him the same question. In a stuttering voice he says, I as well was married for 50 years and I'm very ashamed St Peter because I cheated on my wife about ten times. But I too asked my wife for forgiveness. St Peter looked in the book and pondered for a moment then said, Yes you weren't very faithful, and even though it was on your death bed you did seek forgiveness from your wife. Because you asked for forgiveness and you were honest you do get to enter heaven but you will drive this used Volkswagen bug. St Peter handed him the keys and said welcome to Heaven.

About two months later the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Volkswagen parked on the side of Heavens highway. He says to himself, "hey I know that Guy". He pulls over and sees him bent over in obvious emotional pain and sorrow. Trying to cheer him up he tells him "hey, don't feel bad, what you drive in Heaven isn't the point. The fact that you made it into Heaven is the real issue. You should be very happy about that, come on, Ligthen up Dude.

The guy answers, no that's not it, I'm very grateful to be in heaven and I like Volkswagen Bugs, I'm bummed because I just passed my wife and she riding a skateboard.

cj-5

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (harleyjim) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 19:47:01 +0000

What do you call a duck that flies upside down? A Qwack Up.

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (ozymandias) — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 01:45:59 +0000

Tyson7 wrote:

Jokes about German sausage is the wurst !!
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me !!
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down !!
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz !!
Energizer Bunny aressted: Charged with battery
I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me !!
Broken pencils are pointless !!

Joe

I used to be afraid of Math, then I figured it out.

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (Tyson7) — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 14:29:14 +0000

Roger,
I've been looking for a set of those for years. Glad to see they added an extra high E string like they did in the old days !!!!!

Joe

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (Tenement Funster) — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 12:43:34 +0000

These are a real hoot! Don't if I can stop chuckling long enough to type ...

But there was this dyslexic atheist who suffered from insomnia. He would lay awake nights wondering, "Is there really a Dog?"

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (Roger Guppy) — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 08:44:43 +0000

Nicked from Beamer on Fb:

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (Roger Guppy) — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 22:52:44 +0000

The latest best seller at the music store:

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (Tyson7) — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 22:20:16 +0000

Jokes about German sausage is the wurst !!

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me !!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down !!

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz !!

Energizer Bunny aressted: Charged with battery

I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me !!

Broken pencils are pointless !!

Joe

Re: Joke Thread

null@example.com (Phill Williams) — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 20:27:40 +0000

i heard a kid say this one on tv this morning....

KID: please sir, do farts have lumps?

TEACHER: no Johnny.

KID: oops, i think i just pood in my pants.