How did the blonde burn her legs?
Ironing her pants!

How did the blonde fall out of the tree?
Raking the leaves!

Whats the blondes latest inventions?
An underwater hairdryer! An ejector seat in a helicopter!

Hi all!This is Peter,send email!

Thanks KAP54

..Badeye..

What do you call those people who follow musicians around???

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead drummer in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Good places for the Blues:

a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. an empty bed

    Spot.

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss
> would not allow me to take leave, so I thought that maybe if I acted
> 'CRAZY'
> then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on
> the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked
> me what I was doing.I told her that I was pretending to be a light
> bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days
> off.
> A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are
> you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.He said, 'You are clearly
> stressed out.
> Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
> I jumped down and walked out of the office.
> When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her '...And
> where do you think you're going?'
> She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

Half an hour later she returns triumphantly with a can of deodorant and gives it to the pharmacist.  He looks at it and says "But this is just ordinary underarm deodorant"

"Rubbish" says the blonde, "It says right there, to use, push up bottom!"

A blond, brunett and redhead (i know my spelling is bad) agree to a swiming race.
They all get to the river at the same time and agree to use the breast stroke. So the
brunet finish's in about half a hour, the redhead at 35 min. the blond finishs 4 hours later and says to the two "hey you both cheated you used your hands"

this is probably a true story

God I just love this wonderful Island of  ours, the people and the inadvertant wit of same. Enjoy!

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6a.m., his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

...that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.