Marching off to War

Hi David,

Let me say firstly that I do not consider myself an expert on poetry but reading these rather powerful words you have written I felt that they would have had a greater impact if two lines became one and punctuation had been used. To this end I have done just this, however in order to keep the rhyming pattern constant I have also had to slightly re-write what is now the 3rd verse.

This is my personal opinion of a way to improve the work that you have done and no offence is intended, but it would be interesting to hear your views and the views of others

See the fine young men marching off to war,
Brainwashed killers to the very core,
Trained to fight, trained to kill,
Drained of their blood, never to refill.

Sailing ships, flying planes,
Devastation reigns over all terrains,
Seas and deserts are not spared
Broken souls and bodies cannot be repaired.

Old men, far behind the trenches,
Safely sat behind teak benches,
Are the ones who the war declared,
They risk ink, not blood, so are never scared.

Glorious war, in you we delight,
Old men lament; peace has been declared,
The war is over, our profit is being prepared
Amongst our politicians, to be shared.

Roger