1 (edited by tubatooter1940 2010-05-16 14:49:37)

Topic: Joke Thread

I'd really like to read a joke thread running here in Chordie's Chat Corner.
Because so many young family members read here, we need only to make sure that jokes submitted are mega squeaky clean.
I have long believed that most anybody can get a laugh with a killer joke and further that getting a big laugh with a weak joke takes real talent in the telling.
Saving my dynamite material for later, I would first submit:
A friend told me that my hair is getting thin. I said, "That's okay, who wants fat hair?"
toots

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

Re: Joke Thread

"A man walked into a bar... the second man ducked"

Art and beauty are in the eyes of the beholder.
What constitutes excellent music is in the ears of the listener.

Re: Joke Thread

Hickory Dickory Dock,Three Mice ran up The Clock. The Clock Struck One---------but the other two got away with minor injuries.

When the Power of Love overcomes The Love of Power the world will be a better place.

Re: Joke Thread

Man to Waitress ---I'd like 2 eggs and some Ham!

Waitress----How do you like your eggs?

Man-----Oh I like my eggs a lot.

Waitress--- How do like them cooked?

Man-------Oh I like them even better cooked!

When the Power of Love overcomes The Love of Power the world will be a better place.

Re: Joke Thread

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.......

Rule No. 1 - If it sounds good - it is good!

Re: Joke Thread

patient     "Doctor I'm a tee pee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tee pee, I'm a wigwam"

doctor      " Relax, your just two tents"




badeye   cool

one caper after another

Re: Joke Thread

Two fish in a tank...one says to the other " You drive , and I'll man the gun...."

A five yr old could understand this. Somebody fetch a five yr old !
Groucho Marx

Re: Joke Thread

A newcomer was flying into New York for the first time. He told his seat mate on the plane that he was moving to the big apple and was quite nervous about it.
The seat mate tried to quell his fears. He explained that there are wonderful people in New York City and once one gets set up in a local neighborhood there are friends to be made and fine groups to join.
The newcomer was grateful and asked the New Yorker what he did for a living.
"I'm a tail gunner on a FedEx truck.",he replied.

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

9 (edited by selso 2010-05-17 23:55:44)

Re: Joke Thread

Two lemons are in the shower, one says pass the soap.
The other says what do I look like, a type writer?

Dont ask, my kid told it to me.

Everything is bad including me
But being bad is good policy
Reverend Horton Heat

Re: Joke Thread

Have you heard about the Dyslexic insomniac agnostic ??? 


He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog ....:0

And then there was the dyslexic occultist ....

he worshipped Santa....;)

A five yr old could understand this. Somebody fetch a five yr old !
Groucho Marx

Re: Joke Thread

How do you drive a cape bretoner crazy???????????




Hide his Unemployment Insurance cheque under his work boots.



badeye   cool

one caper after another

Re: Joke Thread

Q: What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? 



A: Hot, cross bunnies.

Granted B chord amnesty by King of the Mutants (Long live the king).
If it comes from the heart and you add a few beers... it'll be awesome! - Mekidsmom
When in doubt ... hats. - B.G. Dude

Re: Joke Thread

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

Re: Joke Thread

Caper goes to Toronto, get a place to live, and applies for a job at a hardware store looking for a handy man. The manager ask him if he knows anything about plumbing, the caper say's no, he ask's him if he knows anything about carpentry, the caper say's no, he ask's him if he knows anything about electrical, the caper say's no, the
manager frustrated say's what makes you so handy?  The Caper say's, Jezz by, I just live around the corner..

   



                                                                       






badeye   cool

one caper after another

Re: Joke Thread

Q: What do you have when a group of politicians are nearly up to their necks in concrete?
A: Not nearly enough concrete.

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

Re: Joke Thread

O.K. guys, one more attempt to keep the jokes flowing:
Definition of mixed feelings:
Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in YOUR new mercedes.
toots

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

Re: Joke Thread

A guy is driving around the back woods of Lubbock, Texas, he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.   The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'   

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'   

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap.

You can see all my video covers on [url]http://www.youtube.com/bensonp1000[/url]
I have finally found happiness in my life.  Guitars, singing, beer and camping.  And they all intertwine wonderfully.

Re: Joke Thread

bensonp wrote:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Lubbock, Texas, he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.   The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'   

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'   

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap.

Laughed out loud on that one....thanks

I used to be disgusted; now I try to be amused.
Elvis Costello

19 (edited by badeye 2010-05-25 19:25:56)

Re: Joke Thread

What did the Valley boy do with his first 50 cent piece????














he married it.



badeye   ..   cool

one caper after another

Re: Joke Thread

Abridged Musician's Dictionary

AGENT: A character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.

BANDSTAND: The area furthest away from an electrical outlet

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: A man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.

DOWNBEAT: The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

PERFECT PITCH: The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

Me with my first ukulele, a Junior Beatles model, in 1966.  After Mom threw it down the stairs in a fit of rage, I became a drummer for life.  At age 43, I bought my second uke...

Re: Joke Thread

Hello?  Is this thing ON?  (Why is it my post always kills a good thread???)  sad

Me with my first ukulele, a Junior Beatles model, in 1966.  After Mom threw it down the stairs in a fit of rage, I became a drummer for life.  At age 43, I bought my second uke...

Re: Joke Thread

How do ya' turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her..........

Give everything but up.

Re: Joke Thread

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. 

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 

'I can't believe how materialistic you blessed Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror. 

'FLIPPING HECK!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

Re: Joke Thread

Time for a groaner lol


What's Black and White and Red and can't turn around in a hallway?


A Catholic priest with a javelin stuck through his head.

Heh-heh.........Sorry

Just Keepin on Keepin on
Martin DC15E
Cort MR710F
Squire Strat (Chinese)

25 (edited by badeye 2010-05-27 21:54:57)

Re: Joke Thread

Bill and George were out one morning fishing, around noon bill said, George the wifey made us some lunch, lets eat. They walked to the road and and sit on the edge to eat, there was a long driveway and a farm house. Bill and george started to eat their sandwich when all of a sudden a three legged chicken ran down the driveway at super speed and snacthed both sandwiches in a flash. Bill say's what was that George. George says, looked to me to be a three legged chicken. Well,,, they just have to investagate and walk the long drive way, knock on the door and ask the old farmer that answers,  If he knows about three legged chicken in these parts?? The farmer says, "Why yes I do,,,, I raise them",,,,   George puzzeled asked,,, why??  The farmer say's" Well sonny, I raise em' cause I like to eat the drumbstick,,,,,,,,  My wife likes to eat the drumbstick,,,,,,,  oh and my son likes to eat the drumbstick"  Bill [still hungry] ask's What do they taste like???   The old farmer pauses a bit and says "Don't
know,,,,, havent caught one yet"




i know stupid joke...   badeye   cool

one caper after another