Topic: "One For the Irish"

Come across this on a message board recently.



Ireland Declares War On France?

Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners".

Later, Wayne P

Re: "One For the Irish"

The oldies are the goodies!

I'm reading now about the French invasion of Ireland that happened in the 1790s.  Fascinating stuff.   The British commander was Lord Cornwallis, the same general that surrendered to Washington in our own Revolutionary War, in which we were also offered great amounts of support and aid by the French.

The Irish did not fare as well, though.

Someday we'll win this thing...

[url=http://www.aclosesecond.com]www.aclosesecond.com[/url]

Re: "One For the Irish"

pity the french could not keep their word for the scots and kept their promise of support for the jacobite cause in 1746. they sent a few but no where near the amount they were meant to.
and the time before that they turned back, then when they got a bit more friendlier with the english they forgot all about us.
The americans should have came and helped us since they kicked the butts of the british army.


but apart from that, good joke. Might be an oldie but i have not heard it.

ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending

Re: "One For the Irish"

Has anyone recently tried googling 'french military victories' hilarious!

I'm the son of rage and love

Re: "One For the Irish"

bonedaddy wrote:

Has anyone recently tried googling 'french military victories' hilarious!

I think you'll find it under US victories

Everything is bad including me
But being bad is good policy
Reverend Horton Heat

Re: "One For the Irish"

The French get a bad rap on that, and American involvement is quite often over blown.  Despite popular history, they pretty much won WWI by themselves, and the terrible destruction of that war effected them deeply.  They stopped the German advance with minimal help at Marne, effectively starting the stagnating trench war that the American's found when they arrived, almost three years later.  The absolute brutality and outright destruction of that conflict touched every single citizen of France.

When the Germans again started misbehaving the French were still recovering from WWI.  Again, America didn't involve itself in the conflict until almost two years after the conflict started.

French forces have fought with tenacity and courage for a long time.   Were it not for the French, America would not exist.  The failure of the Irish invasion had nothing to do with the French, and everything to do with a disorganized and despondent Irish peasantry.   The French during that escapade issued several defeats to Cornwallis' forces while being greatly outnumbered.

/ End of speech...

Someday we'll win this thing...

[url=http://www.aclosesecond.com]www.aclosesecond.com[/url]

Re: "One For the Irish"

lol not to mention 1066 and William the Conqueror when the British were defeated!

I'm the son of rage and love

Re: "One For the Irish"

well said Jerome, saves me typing it lol

And daddy 1066, battle of hastings? King Harold Godwin, I might be related so I have got my title correct for in here lol apart from Harold was not Scottish.


but still the french have got a lot to answer to the scots. lol

( just to let anyone know that gets the wrong idea of my words since they have done in the past. Because I am scottish and I want independance this does not mean in any way I hate or dislike the english. I just hate the government, I also hate the scottish governement too, I just dont like the way the union came about or how a parliment in another country has the power over their supierior country north of them lol )

ken

ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending

Re: "One For the Irish"

Harold was French as French can be!

Some people talk about the Norman Kings, and forget where Normandy is.  big_smile

Someday we'll win this thing...

[url=http://www.aclosesecond.com]www.aclosesecond.com[/url]

Re: "One For the Irish"

so the english didnt really have that many "english kings"? french kings scottish kings, german kings, dutch kings ????? geeezo man, they seem to borrow folk from everywhere to rule for them lol lol

ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending

Re: "One For the Irish"

It wasn’t really a French invasion.  1798 saw a large scale rebellion across the country by Catholics and Protestant against the Crown.  It was led by a man called Wolfe Tone. 

Tone had been in France before and had some involvement with the French military.  As part of the rebellion he went back to France to try to get French assistance.  A force was raised and sailed to Ireland and was going to land at Bantry in Co Cork.

Bad weather scattered the small fleet and the Crown forces easily prevented the landing.  They did eventually land on the West coast and led to the ‘Castlebar Races’.  Not horses, but a rapid deployment of forces.  The French assistance was too late and too battered to be much help and they quickly surrendered.

The Irish part of the rebellion actually went very well and they managed to take many strategic towns around the country.  But this had more to do with the slow response by Crown forces than anything else.  When the Crown’s forces were eventually mobilised they were far better equipped and they did carry the day.

1798 was a very, very bloody time in Irish history with no mercy shown on either side.

My ambition far exceeds my ability

Re: "One For the Irish"

The Bantry Bay landing took place two years before the general uprising in 1798.  Tone had been in France, and had convinced the French that the Irish peasantry were primed and ready to rise in support behind French leadership.   Unfortunately, this wasn't the case.   As a result of the Bantry Bay invasion, the rebellion plot had been compromised, and the British went on a reign of terror to expose and execute anyone involved in it.  In the course of that, they tortured and killed a whole lot of innocent people.

The Wexford uprising (the one you mention) was a result of that, and while it was successful in that it was able to take a town or two, it was highly unorganized and more significantly, unusual in it's success.   It was motivated primarily by outrage at the manner in which the British had been conducting their purge of rebellions.  In the rest of the country, any attempt at rebellion was easily crushed by the British, or more commonly,  the Irish simply did not rise up.   They were for the most part hiding and trying to avoid the British and their brutality.

So that's the backstory, before the French arrived.  The rebellion had been plotted and planned by an odd conspiracy of two groups; The United Irishmen (Tone's Group) and the Defenders.    The first fleet that landed troops was headed by General Humbert (?), and landed in Mayo.  With about 1000 French troops, they had full expectation that they would be met by a ready and disciplined Irish militia.  Instead they were met with an untrained, undisciplined, and for the most part, unarmed Irish peasantry.  So with about 5000 of these guys behind them, they managed to capture and occupy several towns, and defeat the British militarily on several fronts.   Humbert believed (rightly) that he was on the vanguard, and was to be followed by several other invasion fleets.  He actually began to plan a march on Dublin itself.  He also believed (wrongly) that those fleets were right behind him, and would be landing in a matter of days.   The truth was that they were a month away from sailing.  In the end, he was defeated purely as a matter of overwhelming odds.  His 1000 would have had to stand against tens of thousands of British.  He surrendered in Longsford.  He and his troops were repatriated to France.  The Irish that rose with him were all hung as traitors to the Crown.

The second invasion fleet, carrying Tone, arrived a month or so later and was intercepted by the Royal Navy.  There was a fairly fierce sea battle, but the French were badly outnumbered and out gunned, and finally struck their colors.  As a result, Tone was captured, tried, and sentenced to be hung.   He escaped the noose, though, by cutting his own throat on the eve of his execution.

Thus ended the Irish rebellion of 1798.

Someday we'll win this thing...

[url=http://www.aclosesecond.com]www.aclosesecond.com[/url]

Re: "One For the Irish"

wlbaye wrote:

Come across this on a message board recently.



Ireland Declares War On France?

Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners".

It's a joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I used to be disgusted; now I try to be amused.
Elvis Costello

Re: "One For the Irish"

geoaguiar wrote:
wlbaye wrote:

Come across this on a message board recently.



Ireland Declares War On France?

Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners".

It's a joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks For That, I've been feeling kinda wimpy for gettin folks all riled up over what I thought was a good chuckle.

Later, Wayne P