Topic: Joke Thread

What – No joke thread here?

Every good message board / forum I have ever belonged to has a standing Joke Thread for members to share their favorites. I looked back 5 or 6 pages here and didn’t see one. Figured if there was one older than that, they would be stale, so I though I’d start a fresh one up.

I’ll start this with a few that are in theme with the site, but no need to limit the thread to a “musical"  topic. Please share any jokes you enjoy. 

- Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

- How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth?
Throw in a food stamp

How do you get em out?
Throw in a bar of soap

- What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

- How do you know when the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

- Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

- What do you say to a guitarist in a three- piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

And for James:
- Zither players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Rule No. 1 - If it sounds good - it is good!

Re: Joke Thread

Touche', Topdown!

The teacher asks Little Johnny, "Little Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says, "When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
The teacher responds, "Now Little Johnny, you know you can't do both!"

Seriously though about zithers & autoharps, 36 strings spanning 3.5 octaves is tough to tune.  To get it sort of close takes a good 20 minutes.  To get it just right takes another 20 - I settle for 'close' since my glamorous jet-set lifestyle won't allow for too much down time.  My instrument needs a new set of strings, but I loathe the lengthy process.

"That darn Pythagorean Comma thing keeps messing me up!"

Re: Joke Thread

^ Glad you enjoyed it James. (All in good fun of course) Here's another.

How long does an autoharp stay in tune?
    About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

Rule No. 1 - If it sounds good - it is good!

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What's the difference between an accordian and a banjo?
--The accordian burns faster but the banjo burns brighter.


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Definition of perfect pitch...  Throwing a banjo and hitting a bag piper...


one caper after another

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1.  Schizophrenia  -   Do You Hear What I Hear ?

2.  Multiple Personality Disorder  -  We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3.  Amnesia  -  I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home For Christmas

4.  Narcissistic  -  Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5.  Manic  -  Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
     Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees
     and Fire Hydrants

6.  Paranoid  -  Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

7.  Borderline Personality Disorder  -  Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8.  Full Personality Disorder – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna
     Pout,  Maybe I’ll Tell You Why!

9.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
     Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…….

10.  Agoraphobia  -  I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day, But Wouldn’t Leave
       My House

11.  Senile Dementia -  Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in
       My Slippers and Robe

12.  Oppositional Defiant Disorder  -  I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
       Burned Down the House

Irish Smiles

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
---------- -----------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
--------------------------------------------------- ------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" 
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? 
Answer - So the English can understand them.
--------------------------------------------------------------- ------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." 
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dres s in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" 

"No," said himself, "but I'm  gettin' closer all the time."
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?   
A. A bachelor.
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. 
Keenan:  What on earth is she doin' at that time? 
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. . "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" 
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. 
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"


Give everything but up.

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Murphy took the contols of a plane after the pilot had a heart attack..................

Tower to Murphy..... Give me you height and position

Murphy........I'm 5' 6'' and sat in the front .......but I'm upside down

Tower..........How do you know you are upside down

Murphy.........The shits coming out of my collar.

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."

Re: Joke Thread

a drunk was walking down argyl street in glasgow when he met a guy trying to fix his car, the drunk said " problems"? the guy fixing the car said " piston broke", the drunk replied, " aye, me too"

ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending

Re: Joke Thread

Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.
~Benny Hill

Rule No. 1 - If it sounds good - it is good!

10 (edited by JohnnieBG 2007-12-21 08:43:54)

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3 men died on Christmas eve and were waiting by the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and tells them they must produce something that ressembles Christmas before they are allowed in.
The first man pulls out a cigarette lighter and lights it and says, "It ressembles a Christmas candle." St. Peter says, "That's good, in you go."
The second man produces a bunch of keys and shakes them saying, "They ressemble Christmas bells." Again St. Peter says, "That's good, in you go."
He looks at the third man and asks, "And what do you have that ressembles Christmas?"
The man pulls out a pair of lady's undies. St. Peter looks at them and says, " What are they supposed to ressemle?"
The man says, "They're Carols!"

My life is brilliant... Of this I'm sure.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER list en to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him.. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Give everything but up.

Re: Joke Thread


what did the fish say when it swam into a wall?



I am ambidextrous, I can write sod all with both hands


I have another but I best not post it on here   sad


ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending

Re: Joke Thread

Don't know many clean ones but here's 1 my kids love!

A pirate and his crew are sailing the waters looking for vessels to lute, when they round a peninsula and see a naval ship approaching. The pirate captain yells for his mate to bring him his RED shirt! The 2 ships merge and a bloody battle commences. The pirates prevail!   The following week they round another bend and see another ship giving chase! The pirate again yells for his first mate to bring his RED shirt and the battle is on! After the battle, The mate approaches the pirate and asks  "Sir ,If I may, Why when we see a hostile ship do you ask for your RED shirt" The pirate replies, "If I get injured the crew won't notice the blood and loss heart, they will fight on to victory!!"   A month goes by and they come around another bend and the pirate and crew are faced with a fleet of 10 naval ships coming for justice!! The Pirate yells again for his first mate "Bring me my BROWN pants"  smile

[b][color=#FF0000]If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something.
[/color][/b]         [b]Peace of mind. That's my piece of mind...[/b]

14 (edited by dfoskey 2009-04-13 19:18:04)

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This thread is priceless. I have laughed so hard reading this. Sorry i don't have any to offer. lol lol lol

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Why did the Eskimo wash his clothes in Tide?

Cause it's too cold out tide.  lol

Just Keepin on Keepin on
Martin DC15E
Cort MR710F
Squire Strat (Chinese)

Re: Joke Thread

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?


(sorry) big_smile

Rule No. 1 - If it sounds good - it is good!

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A blond and brunett were walking down the street, the brunette said "Oh look at the dead bird"

the blond looked up and said "Where".

badeye     cool

one caper after another

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You'll have to be old to get this one!

2 First grade boys were walking down the street when they came up behind a girl their age.
One says to the other "Her necks dirty"!  The other boy says "Her Does?

When the Power of Love overcomes The Love of Power the world will be a better place.

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[url][/url]  lol

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Two ducks were swimming in a pond and one of the ducks said, "Quack!" The other duck looked at him and said, "Oh my god! I was just about to say that!"

"Do or do not, there is no try." Yoda

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Here's a cute one ....
   A guy decides to go sky diving ... He's all excited , goes up in the plane , jumps out and pulls his rip cord ..... nothing happens , but he does'nt panic and reaches around and pulls his reserve rip cord ... nothing happens ... As he's falling , he sees this other guy coming straight up toward him , as they pass , the sky diver yells over and says " hey , do you know anything about sky diving ?" And the other guy yells back and says , " no , do you know anything about gas stoves ?"
Ha Ha Ha ...........

" Just reading the lyrics , it's hard to hear the song , but if the words tug at the's enough for now........... "

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Know how to make a million dollars playing tuba?
Start out with two million.

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

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The Lemming family were out for a sunday drive. Mom and Dad Lemming in the front, all the
kid Lemmings in the back. The kid start to act up, Dad Lemming turns and says, " If you kids
dont settle down, I'm gonna drive this car off the first cliff I come to".

  cool  Badeye.

one caper after another

Re: Joke Thread

My Grandfather was a right one. Not my maternal Grandfather; he was a religious minister, but the other one - Granddad. He got audited by the tax office and toddled of to see them.

He goes into the office with someone beside him and the auditer looks up and says "Oh, I see you've brought a witness. I take it he's your accountant." Grandad smiles back and nods.

"Now I see from your paperwork that you claim to be a gambler."

Grandad smiles and nods.

"You earn all your money from gambling?"

Grandad smiles back and nods.

"You expect me to believe that you are good enough to make a living out of gambling? No-one's that good!"

"Well I am!" says Grandad. "To prove it, I bet you £1000 I can bite my left eye!"

The auditer thinks a moment and says "I'll take that bet!" As they shake hands they both look at the accountant who nods grimly witnessing the bet.

Grandad takes out his left eye bites it and pops it back in.

The auditer is fuming but Grandad doesn't relent "I told you I was a good gambler! Don't worry though, I'll give you a chance to get your money back and make a bit. I'll bet you £2000 I can bite my right eye!"

The auditer thinks 'I know he's not blind, so he can't....' "I'll take that bet!" The accountant grimly witnesses the handshake and Grandad takes out his false teeth, bites his right eye and pops them back in.

The auditer is fuming. £3000 pounds he owes the man who came to be audited. He can barely controll his anger.

"Don't worry," smiles Grandad "Here's a real chance for you to make your money back and make a good bit as well. I bet you £6000 I can stand behind you desk where you are now and wee over the top of your desk and get every drop in that waste paper bin without spilling a drop on your desk!"

The auditer is not going to be taken in so easily so he looks at the distance, where the bin is and calculates the flow.

"From the other side of the desk?"


"Not one tiny little drip on the desk?"

"Yup! not one drip or drop!"

"I'll take that bet!" and the accountant grimly witnesses the handshake.

Grandad goes round behind the desk and undoes himself and proceeds to wee all over the desk. All over the paperwork, all over the phone, the blotting paper is useless and even the auditer's wife's photo gets splashed. There is only one place that remains dry - the waste paper bin!

The auditer is delighted. He's jumping up and down and roaring with joy - "Yes! Yes! Not one drop? HA HA HA! That's £3000 pounds you owe me!"

Grandad takes out his check book and starts writing out the check, his enigmatic smile still on his face. The auditer notices this and the face of the accountant sat next to Grandad -

"How come you seem totally unbothered by having to pay me £3000 but your accountant is fuming; I mean he looks like he's going to burst with anger?"

"Oh don't worry about him; I just bet him £25,000 before we came in that I could wee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

<-----<< On an even field, only talent prevails! >>----->
   Gans Gwarak da yn dorn yu lel, gwyr lowen an golon!
        >>-----> [color=#FF0000]Rudhes[/color] hag [color=yellow]Owres[/color], Kajima <-----<<

Re: Joke Thread

lol lol lol

good one

ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending