Re: Joke Thread
Good one Zurf. LOL
I have finally found happiness in my life. Guitars, singing, beer and camping. And they all intertwine wonderfully.
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Good one Zurf. LOL
One for the Biker's
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to
jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why
are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
Just One More
The Country Doctor
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.
The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'
As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly? 'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'
'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'
'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'
As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'
'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!
An old Irishman, Paddy, is about to go to his eternal reward. He looks at his grieving friend, Mike, and says, "I have one last request, Mike."
"Anything, Paddy," Mike says. "What is it?"
"In me kitchen pantry you'll find a 100-year old bottle of whiskey. When they put me in the ground will you pour it over me grave?"
"I will, Paddy," Mike says. "But would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first."
Okay, this one may draw ire:
What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?
The size of the dirtbag!
A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an
Aussie, an American, a Kiwi, a South African, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a
Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a
Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all went to a nightclub.....
The doorman said .......................
"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender said, "You can stay here but don't try to start anything."
State mental hospital phone menu:
1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press one repeatedly.
2. If you are co-dependent, have someone press 2 for you.
3. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.
4. if you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
5. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother Ship.
6. I you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell which number to press.
7. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. Nothing will make you happy anyway.
8. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696.
9. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
10. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
11. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are way too busy to talk with a scumbag like you.
12. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. you won't be crazy forever.
13. If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
(My job is done. Your turn.)
Enjoyed that one toots!!
The recession has hit everybody really hard:
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are making love with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
C.E.O's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 congressmen.
A stripper was killed when the crowd showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If your bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds", you call and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism and couldn't afford to pay for it - they repossessed her.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds etc..., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.
I laughed hard on several of those. Thanks for the laugh. toots
OK my turn....
Three blokes are out fishing. One of them catches a mermaid. She says to them, if you let me go i will grant you all a wish. OK, the 1st bloke says, double my intelligence. So she does and he becomes very smart. The 2nd bloke says to her, triple my intelligence. So she does and he becomes even smarter. Well the 3rd bloke's pretty amazed by all this so he says quadruple my intelligence. Are you sure? Asks the mermaid.
Yeah says the bloke. OK she says, close your eyes. So he does. And when he opened them he turned into a woman.
King Kernal Harland Saunders
"King Kernal Harland Saunders is dead , The Kernal kicked the bucket last nite, He was no spring chicken.
On his death bed he said "Boy's its been finger lickin good, the 11 secret herbs and spices areeeeeee!!!!
He was buried in a giant snak pak along his country chalet. After the funeral his wife went home and had a
dinner for one."
Twenty one killed in twenty one gun salut.
These and other stories at eleven.
George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush are in a plane.
The pilot says that the passengers must lighten their load. so the three presidents decide to drop one item
George Washington drops a quarter
Abe Lincoln drops a penny
George Bush drops a grenade
When the presidents land, they find someone holding their head and cursing.
George Washington asks the man what's wrong.
"i was walking down the street when a quarter falls from the sky and hits my head!"
So the presidents continue down the road and find someone hopping on one foot, holding the other, cursing. Abe Lincoln asks "What happened?"
"i was standing on my porch barefoot when a penny falls from the sky and hits it!"
The presidents continue once more and find a young boy laughing hysterically.
George Bush asks "What's so funny?"
The boy replies "i farted and my house exploded!!!"
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
There were three men on a hill with their watches.
The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.
The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.
The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!"
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."
The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"
The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.
The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting."
The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"
The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!"
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this," and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "
The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"
Things to do at the movies.
1. Throw popcorn around and yell, "It's snowing!!"
2. Laugh when the good guy dies
3. Start a conversation on your cell phone right when the movie starts
4. Point to the beginning credits and say, "That guy dies."
5. Order pizza halfway through the movie
6. Sit between couples
7. Nonchalantly eat popcorn from other people's containers
8. Announce loudly to everyone in the theater that you are going to the bathroom
9. Bring in your own food such as soup and SLURP loudly.
10. Wear tall hats to block other people's view
11. Walk in as if you are a big shot while wearing the most outrageous outfit; spandex should do the trick.
A sandwich walks into a bar...
The bartender says sorry buddy we don't serve food here.