Re: Joke Thread
LoL toots thats a great list you got there!!!!!!
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LoL toots thats a great list you got there!!!!!!
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in another man;s well often catch crabs.
Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
Wise man never play leap frog with unicorn.
Woman laid in tomb soon become mummy.
Bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
He who eat cookie in bed wake up feeling crumby.
Woman who put detergent on top shelf jump for Joy.
A Blonde Takes a trip to Florida. While she's there she decides she wants a pair of genuine Croc leather shoes. So she goes to the mall to buy a pair and complains to the manager that they are to expensive, so he tells her to go somewhere else. In reply she says " Fine I'll go get my own for free". Later that day as the manager drives home from work he sees her in the river with the water up to her knees and big shotgun in her hands. He looks up on the bank and it's covered in dead crocs. So he pulls over and gets out of the car watching her he sees a ten foot croc coming right towards her, she shoots it " bang!!!" and then manages to heave it up on the bank. There he watches her turn it on to it's back and says. " Darn this one is bare foot too!".
NO affense towards blondes out there but I laughed so hard when I heard this joke.
whare do irishmen go on vacation? Too a different bar!!
Blond go's to the doctors,the doctor tell's her that she is pregnenet. Blond reply's are you sure it is mine.
A red head steps into the doctors office. " Whats your problem?" he asks her. " I don't know, I don't understand it but everywhere on my body hurts!". The doctor looks at her funny and says " Thats impossible". In reply she says " NO really, I'll prove it watch". She then goes on to poke herself on her arm and her stomach and her leg and every time she yells ouch! The doctor puts his glasses on and looks at her " your not really a red head are you?". Getting a guilty look she answers " No I'm actually blonde". Grunting he says " Just as I thought, your finger is broken".
I've had an obscenely long month and today as well. Thank you all for some good chuckles!
I woman goes into a bar with a duck under her arm. A drunk yells out "Hey Where Did You Get That Pig?" The woman says "That is not a Pig It's a Duck!" And the drunk says "I WAS TALKING TO THE DUCK!"
Here's some music jokes.
What did he musician say to the tightrope walker? You better C# or you'll B flat!
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None; they can't get up that high!
How do you prevent a trombone player from drowning? Take your foot off his head!
Man who stand on toilet get high on pot.
a man was out driving when he accidently ran over a HARE,he pulled up to see if it was hurt,another car pulled up behind and a woman got out,went to her boot and came round with an aerosol can,SPRAYED THE HARE,it immediatly got up and ran off.the man got in his car and set off ,further down the road he saw the hare at the side of the road WAVING,he thought thats unusual and carried on,another mile on and he see's the hare again WAVING,so he pulls up and flags the woman down who stopped,he said did you see the hare waving,yes she replied,what was that aerosol you sprayed it with,HAIR RESTORER WITH A PERMENANT WAVE..
1. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
2. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
3. I intend to live forever…..so far so good.
The kids have all their little SMS codes...like M8, LOL etc. So here are some codes for the seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!
^ That is great Roger, I LMAO then WTFA
I just started working in a music shop.
A dodgy hooded dude walks in and says: "Got anything by The Doors?"
I said: "Yes, 2 cameras and an alarm.
Ahh. This one is epic. I had a laugh.Van Gogh's Family Tree
His dizzy aunt -- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N. Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -- Where Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -- A. Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wells Far Gogh
The constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way To Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh
....And there ya Gogh!
And another one.
BUYING A BIRD.
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
Very good, Steelstrings. Another "Buying a Bird"
This guy wanted to buy his mother something really nice for her birthday. She lived alone and he decided a talking bird would be fun company for her.
He went to a pet shop and inquired about a bird that could talk. The pet shop guy said, "I have several talking birds but I must recommend this one parrot as the very finest." The customer asked what was so special about this bird. Pet shop guy replied, "He is my best talker and he speaks in five languages - but he costs $600."
"$600-wow", says the customer. 'I'll pay that if he's that good." And he did and had the bird shipped to his mom's address..
A few days later he called up his mom and asked, "Hey mom, how did you like that bird I sent you?" She said, "I loved it. He was delicious."
The son replied, "Mom, I can't believe you ate that bird. I paid $600 for him. He spoke five languages."
His mom replied, "Well, he should have said something."
Yeah, that's one is funny
Here is one for all the Kiwis out there.
A is for ARM - uttered when trying to 'thunk' (see: thunk) alternately 'recall' in a real dictionary
B is BEER - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
C is for CHUPS - thinly cut and fried potatoes. They are often accompanied by Tomato Sauce and/or Battered Animal from the below sea-level. Although NZ chips are recognised as being the second worst in the world, after so called 'fries' in the US, they accompany 91.5% of all meals served in the country.
D is for DUNNO - common answer of a a drunken Kiwi's when the officer that pulled him over asked why he was going 200 km/h in his Maaz-aa-daaa or his Suub-aar-rooo.
E is for EAR - what we breathe.
F is for FUSH - an activity claimed to be the favourite pastime of New Zealanders, whereas the truth is watching Sky TV and brushing large chips from their shoulders as they feel the rest of the world ignores them.
G is for GUESS - piped through to households and used for cooking or heating,
H is for HUCK - native money.
I is for INNER ME - enemy.
J is for JUG - an Irish dance performed by girls.
K is for KEN'S - popular tourist attraction in Queensland.
L is for LUST - uncontrollable, burning desire to write down items you wish to buy but don't need - and later regret buying (aka shopping list).
M is for MILBURN - capital of Victoria.
N is for NUTTER - polite, informal conversation with a criminally-insane person (e.g. Australian).
O is for ONE DOZE - a pane of glass in the wall or brand of computing operating system.
P is for PERR-GUU-LAA - Similar to an Australian outdoor area where Beer and Beef can be consumed whilst talking about the Footy and the Labor Party, upper-class persons can sometimes afford a Spa..
Q is for QUAD - slang term for a British Pound Note.
R is for RUNGBY - Official religion of New Zealand.
S is for SHEEP - Victim of many a Kiwi mans dream.
T is for THUNK - act of 'thought'.
U is for UNDIES - Caribbean country (West Indies) ... used to have quite good cricketers.
V is for VOLLEY - land area between two hulls (aka 'hills').
W is for WHALE - Something the Aussies used to make fun of us with but they failed epically 'cause they're dumb.
X is for XYLOPHONE - no known translation as word is too complex for New Zillinders to pronounce.
Y is for YUPPIE - an expression of delight.
Z is ZACH - that's how we call it. New Zach.
Our band was playing in a local mobile, Alabama bar one Saturday night. Between songs, a bar patron called out, "Hey Dennis, How come your hands don't move much when you play (rhythm) and Anthony's (lead guitar player) hands move all up and down the guitar neck?"
I replied, "That's because he's looking for it and I done FOUND it."
Hear about the guy who wanted to send his mom a new clothesline for her birthday, He couldn't find a box long enough.
For those who love words...
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.....and then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off? Well!!! He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
A well known celebrity when for a vacation in Africa. He spent a few days going on safari, riding elephants and other activities tourists do in that part of the world.
The chieftain of the local village invited the celebrity to his place for dinner. The chieftain asked his guest how he was enjoying his vacation.
The guest replied that he was having a wonderful time but the constant drum beating was getting on his nerves. He complained, " I've been here three days and the drum beating never stops. Do the drums ever stop?"
The chief answered, " You don't want the drums to stop. It's very bad when the drums stop."
The celeb asked, " Why,what happens when the drums stop?"
Chief said, "Tuba solo."