Re: Joke Thread
Good one toots!
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Good one toots!
Three very old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher ran up to the youngest one and whipped open his rain coat. This old lady hollered " Oh, My God" and immediately had a stroke.
The flasher then jumped over in front of the next oldest lady and whips his rain coat open. This old lady hollered "Good Heavens" and immediately had a stroke.
The flasher then jumped over in front of the oldest old lady and whips open his rain coat. This old lady hollered "OH CRAP!!!". She was just too old and frail to reach out that far.
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T''? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...
you're singing it now, aren't you…???
If you like puns (and I really really do) here are some favorites:
(i.e., "lovers of words") - you know. . . like, you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. . . or, I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. . . then it hit me. . . etc.). Well, here are some for you to enjoy. . .
To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name . .. . and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be . .. . exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.
This is the
story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just
the pilot.He has a heart attack
and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart
attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me!
Please help me!"
All of a sudden
she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I
have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had
a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax.
Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
"I'm 5'2" and I'm in the front seat."
the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . .
Who art in heaven..."
Here is what one 8 year old Irish girl decided she wanted doing to her school: http://www.wimp.com/prankcall/
Just give me a ballpark finger. That's great.
What`s the only kind of wood that doesn`t float? Natilie Wood. Its old but it`s making a comeback
Sorry, but, that's a joke that stinks.
tubatooter1940 » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:16 am
A fabulous violinist was a child prodigy, then a huge success on the concert stage. His audiences grew in size to the point only the largest venues could seat them all. But then...
His audiences began to shrink. The violinist kept practicing and getting better by leaps and bounds but the crowds kept getting smaller and smaller.
The violinist became so frustrated he took a long trip to Africa to spend time alone and regain his perspective. He walked off alone a long way into the jungle (rain forest - if you must). He then jumped up onto a tree stump, closed his eyes and played his violin from his very heart of hearts. He played a long,long time before he opened his eyes.
And when he finally opened his eyes, he found himself surrounded by thousands and thousands of animals of every description. Up front were tiny birds and chipmunks, then hyenas, leopards and lions. In the rear as far as he could see were huge rhinos and elephants.
The violinist was so excited. He had found his new target audience - not just people but animals and birds - maybe fishes too. He closed his eyes and played again expressing the thrill and excitement of his being so musically fulfilled.
'Bout that time, a huge black panther, perched on a tree limb just above the violinist, leaped down on him and ate him all up - chomp,chomp, chomp.
The huge crowd gasped in horror - oooooh!
A monstrous huge lion walked up to the panther and asked him, "Man, why did you have to go and do that. We were enjoying the music."
The panther put his paw up next to his ear and said, "Huh?"
Ha, I think some of my best fans are "panthers"!
Joe was a trucker for thirty years with his sidekick Leroy. He thought of going for one more big run then he and leroy would retire and take it easy. he finds an add that a rich man is looking for a reliable driver to run a million dollar load across the country that would be a big payday.
At the interview he answered all the questions right and the big owner came in and said you got the job if you answer this last question right, Your driving my 200,000 dollar rig with a million dollar load,
going down a mountain, with the bridge out and no brakes, what would you do, Joe thought for a minute then said "I'd wake up Leroy" the owner furious says your in my 200,00 rig, no brakes with the bridge out, what the $#%^ would you wake up Leroy for, Joe say's "Cause Leroy ain't never seen a wreck like we bout to have"
an old Gene Tracy joke. anyone remember gene tracy
Sorry, but, that's a joke that stinks.
Tasteless humor is my lifeblood.My favorite comedian is Gilbert Gottfried.I was being very mild when I posted any jokes.You would never believe some of the jokes I could post but they would go beyond the limits of good taste.Have a good night,thanksgiving and holiday season
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield...........
Because he said ....
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Those are great toots.
Lots of great jokes here. Rodney was one of my heroes Toots. He could get me to laugh when things had me down
and out. Thanks Toots, those lines are golden.
What is yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested mustard.
What is black, lives in trees and is dangerous...................
A crow with a machine gun.
A blind guy finds his way into a bar, sit and orders a beer, The bartender chats with him a bit, the blind guy says, "hey bartender wanna hear a blond joke", The bartender lean closer and says " you may wanna think about that, the guy at the table is an ex wreastler. 210 lbs and pissed, the guy at the end of the bar is 6 foot 6, 250 lbs, the bouncer is 6 foot 2, 235 lbs, the guy that just walked in is 6 foot 3,240 lbs and is a black belt in martial arts, and I am 6 foor 3, 225 lbs and we are all blond now do you want to consider telling a blond joke", the blind guy says
" no, not if I have to explain it five times".
Paddy asks Murphy to spell him orange.
Murphy says now would you be wanting the fruit or the colour.
A Drinking Game:
You say this one line at a time, adding a line each go round and everybody at your table has to repeat it perfectly with no mispronunciations. Anybody messes up has to chug their drink.
Three cackling geese
Four olympic oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Dinah Frago's favorite tweezers
Seven hundred Macedonian knights in full battle array
Eight parapatetic, parapalegic old ladies in wheel chairs
Nine ancient Egyptian mummies brought back from the secret sacred crypts of ancient egypt.
Ten titillating Tarantula spiders tip toeing down Tenth Avenue on a tuesday afternoon
If you get through all this sober, you be super human!
Here's an old one I used to use on my rowdy Scouts.
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Tell ya tomorrow!
A horse walks into a bar - the bartender says why the long face
A termite walks into a bar and yells where's the bartender
Why is a duck when it spins? because one of it's legs are both the same! (one for the surrealists!!)
Anyone that loves whisky and hates children can't be all bad - W C Fields