Topic: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.

[color=blue]- GITAARDOCPHIL SAIS: TO CONQUER DEAD, YOU HAVE TO DIE[/color]   AND [color=blue] we are born to die[/color]
- MY GUITAR PLAYS EVERY STYLE = BLUES, ROCK, METAL, so I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY IT.
[color=blue]Civilization began the first time an angry person cast a word instead of a rock.[/color]

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

How do you get  2 cellists to play in perfect harmony...
Shoot one of them.

How do you get a drummer off your porch...
pay for the pizza.

What do bass players use for contraceptives...
their personalities.

And totally un-music related...
what makes uuuhhh....
a cow without lips!

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Q: How can you tell the stage is set up level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.



Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.


- Zurf

Granted B chord amnesty by King of the Mutants (Long live the king).
If it comes from the heart and you add a few beers... it'll be awesome! - Mekidsmom
When in doubt ... hats. - B.G. Dude

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Spotted this letter in Guitarist magazine....

Dear Abby, I think my wife is cheating on me. I'm a working musician and travel a lot, and recently strange things have been happening when I get home. Her mobile rings and she steps outside too answer it or she says ' I'll call you back later'.

Sometimes she goes out with friends and comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner! I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.

A mate of mine plays guitar in a band. he told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my amp. Thats when I got the idea to find out what was really going on.  I said that he could use the amp but I wanted to hide behind it at the gig and see who she comes in with. He agreed.
Saturday night came and I slipped behind the half stack to get a good view of the crowd. I could feel the heat from the back of the amp. Crouching down behind my Marshall, I noticed one of the power stage valves wasn't glowing as brightly as the others.

Is this something I can fix myself, or do I need to take it to a technician?

Very concerned, Norwich.

lol

Craig.

Blind acceptance is a sign, of stupid fools who stand in line.  John Lydon.

'Mod' is a shorter word for 'young, beautiful and stupid' - we've all been there." - Pete Townshend.

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

The teacher asks Little Johnny, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says, "I want to be a guitar player."
The teacher says, "But Little Johnny, you know perfectly well you can't do both!"

"That darn Pythagorean Comma thing keeps messing me up!"
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pythagorean_comma[/url]

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Why do Bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise!

I may be goin' to hell in a bucket babe

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

Q. What's the range of a tuba?
A. 20 yards, if you have a good arm.



gotta love the jok sites on the net

I may be goin' to hell in a bucket babe

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

A guitarist inherits some money.  He needs a car, so he buys a beautiful antique Cadillac.  Tons of chrome, big fins, and about a mile long.  Couple days later he locks the keys inside the car.  He calls a locksmith.  The locksmith says, "I can be there in about an hour."  The guitarist says, "Man, you gotta get here faster than that because it's fixin' to rain and the top is down and the windows are wide open!"

"That darn Pythagorean Comma thing keeps messing me up!"
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pythagorean_comma[/url]

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

mhebert wrote:

Why do Bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise!

really not funny!!!!!!
I love the sounds of the pipes.
and the pipers I know sit on their chairs and play, and I should stop taking things so seriously


Ken
lol

ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead bagpiper.


Skid marks in front of the dog.

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

What's the difference between bagpipes and onions?
No-one cries when you cut up bagpipes!

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

James, the joke about the little John about becoming a guitar player: I choked almost. VERY short joke, but Jesus, the answer.
I read it as much as I can.
Nice and Funny topic this one. I am sure we will read a lot more soon.

What's the range of an alt violin: 20 yards if you throw it. This one I really love:
- what's the difference between a DRUMMER and a DRUM COMPUTER?, the drum computer has a memory, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

- A guitar player asks a passenger: how do I get in the great ol' opera, the passenger answers: by practising a lot.

- A NU METAL guitarist is sitting in a bar, discussing with a blues guitar player, who tells him that the best tunes are written in 3 chords, the nu metal guitarist answers: wow!, can you learn me the other 2 chords?

- How do you know that a drummer is knocking on your door? he starts to knock faster and faster.

- What's the name of the guy, hanging always around with other musicians: a drummer.

- How can you stop a guitarist to continue playing? Give him the paper with the notes on it.

- Difference between drummers and terrorists? There are always people who like terrorists.

- What is used by drummers for anticonception?Their character.

Sorry, now it's up to you again.

[color=blue]- GITAARDOCPHIL SAIS: TO CONQUER DEAD, YOU HAVE TO DIE[/color]   AND [color=blue] we are born to die[/color]
- MY GUITAR PLAYS EVERY STYLE = BLUES, ROCK, METAL, so I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY IT.
[color=blue]Civilization began the first time an angry person cast a word instead of a rock.[/color]

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

"T"was the Irish who invented "The Bagpipes"

We gave them to the Scots! Who havent copped on to the joke yet?

Ouch! UYK!

Old Doll.

Why Blend in with the Crowd ? When you were made to stand out !

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Q. Whats the difference between an Uzi and Accordian?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds?

  Old Doll.

Why Blend in with the Crowd ? When you were made to stand out !

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

- What is the difference between a soprano and a rotweiller? Jewellery
- Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
- What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
- Diminished 5th: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
- Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.
- Relative Minor: A girlfriend.
- Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.
- Q: What do you call two trumpet players and three Tuba plaers walking into a strip club?
A: Horny

[color=blue]- GITAARDOCPHIL SAIS: TO CONQUER DEAD, YOU HAVE TO DIE[/color]   AND [color=blue] we are born to die[/color]
- MY GUITAR PLAYS EVERY STYLE = BLUES, ROCK, METAL, so I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY IT.
[color=blue]Civilization began the first time an angry person cast a word instead of a rock.[/color]

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Q.  What is the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A.  A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Q.  How many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A.  None-- that's what the rest of the band is for!

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

a banjo player buys a new and very expensive banjo and is driving home with it on the back seat of his car. He has to stop for two minutes at another shop but worries that someone will steal his new pride and joy. Thinking that he'll be very quick he decides to take a chance, locks the banjo inside the car and disappears.

Two minutes later he reappears and, you've guessed it, the window is broken and...

There are two banjos on the back seat!

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Hey,
These are all terribly hilarious! I got a few:

What's the difference between a gardener and a saxophonist? - A gardener grows grass, while the saxophonist smokes it.

How do you know if a vocalist is at your door? - They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

What do a court case and a violinist busking have in common? - Everybody's happy when the case is closed

Why don't violists ever play hide and seek? - No one comes looking for them

What's the difference between a violin section in an orchestra and a chainsaw? - A chainsaw is more likely to blend in with the rest of the orchestra.

What does lightning have in common with a violinist? - They never strike twice in the same place.

What's the difference between a violinist and a chainsaw? - A chainsaw is easier to tune.

A bagpiper runs through a bushfire, jumps off a cliff, hits the jagged rocks at the bottom and drowns in the sea below. What happened to the bagpiper? - Who cares?!

Sorry for particularly aiming at violinists, there are just so many jokes about them! And that last one, the bagpiper can be replaced with a banjo, viola and violin.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't got the joke yet.

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

What's the difference between a dead trombonist on the road and a dead raccoon?
---The raccoon was probably on his way to a gig.

How can you recognise the son of a trombonist in a playground?
He can't swing and he's afraid of the slide...

I'm not picking on trombonists.  It's just that most of the other jokes I know are already posted.

A pianist was hired for two nights in hotel lounge.  They tell him he has to use a singer, so he hires one.
They play through the first night and, when they start the first song of the second night, the pianist tells her:
"Ok, let's do it this way: sing the first four bars normal.  Then, jump up a minor third and sing the next three
bars in that key.  Then come down a major second and sing there for the next 8 bars. On the last bar of the
bridge, add one beat.  Then go into 3/4 time for 6 bars, jump up a minor 2nd, and finish the last two bars in
4/4 and in the original key."
Singer is upset.  How am I supposed to remember all that?  I can't do it!
Pianist says, "Why not? You did it last night..."

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Whats the difference between a banjo and an accordian?

A banjo burns brighter and an accordian burns longer.

hahahahahahahaha.

[url=http://www.myspace.com/rdxfunk]www.myspace.com/rdxfunk[/url]

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

what is it with all these jokes about banjos?
Do the majority of people not like the sound of a twanging banjo?
If played properly it is an excellent instrument to list to and a great one for a jamming session.

I heard a few banjo jokes last night at the folk night.
Some were directed at my father in law as he was sitting with a banjo, but he replied to one of the jokes that he was not a banjo player, he was a guitar player and a singer and only had the banjo to make a noise thru songs he didnt like.

The joke that made him say this reply was.....


The definition of a gentleman is, a man that can play the banjo but doesnt.


Ken

ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Well, in addition to being a wannabe guitarist, I am also a wannabe whitewater paddler.  Whitewater depends upon geologic gradient.  In other words, it's in hill country.  I live in Virginia, and so that means the Blue Ridge Mountains.  The hillier the area, usually the less populated and more rural.  Farming isn't usually good in the rocky, hilly terrain, so that means a lot of whitewater paddling takes place in remote, wooded areas. 

One of my paddling T-shirts has the following message in large letter:
"Paddle faster!  I hear banjo music!"

- Zurf

Granted B chord amnesty by King of the Mutants (Long live the king).
If it comes from the heart and you add a few beers... it'll be awesome! - Mekidsmom
When in doubt ... hats. - B.G. Dude

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Zurf,
We have common geographical ties. I grew up in those beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains, the New River Valley to be specific. I aspire to relocate back to the mountains and sooner can't come quick enough. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. That ole saying proves very true for me in relation to my old home. Seriously missing the mountains,
SouthPaw41L(Toney)

Give everything but up.

Re: JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS

Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahah
hahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahah

There is a guy on my block who lives for rock, he plays records day and night, and when he feels down he puts the rock and roll on and it makes him feel alright. - The Kinks, Rock And Roll Fantasy