Re: Joke Thread

Two Aussie men were in a pub arguing about who had the smartest dog. To settle the argument they decided to have a dog trial outside.

the first aussie says to his dog "run down the street,through the church yard to the sheep paddock out back and bring me the ram with the black circle around it's left eye"

His dog immediately ran down the street, through the church yard to the sheep paddock and singled out the ram with a black circle around it's left eye and drove the beast back to it's master.

The second aussie says that's pretty good but watch this - he then looks down at his dog and says "I'M HUNGRY".

The dog sprints down the street to the farm house,grabs a billy can,takes it to the creek,fills it with water,then runs back to the farmhouse,grabs some firewood builds a fire at it's master's feet, sets the billy can full of water on the fire to boil,then runs a third time to the farmhouse, finds the henhouse out back, grabs an egg, runs back and drops the egg in the billy can full of boiling water.The dog then stands on it's head.

The first aussie says  "you win that's the smartest dog I've ever seen but tell me why is it standing on it's head??

The second aussie replies " It knows i haven't got an egg cup!"

Re: Joke Thread

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked...  "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"



  ...So they walked past it again...

Re: Joke Thread

Roger Guppy wrote:

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. 

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 

'I can't believe how materialistic you blessed Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror. 

'FLIPPING HECK!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

I liked this one. LOL

Without music life would be a journey through a desert.

I Cor 14:15

Re: Joke Thread

Roger Guppy wrote:

A man on his Harley was riding along a Californian beach when suddenly the sky clouded over and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific; and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly be of help to mankind."

The  biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how  she feels inside; what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment; why she cries; what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong'; why she snaps and complains when I try to help; and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied..................















"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

OH how I laughed at this one, loved it!

Without music life would be a journey through a desert.

I Cor 14:15

205 (edited by Trisch 2012-05-12 18:25:23)

Re: Joke Thread

There is a hillbilly family that walked into the mall and the wife says that she has to go get something so the father takes his son with him and they are walking around until they see a elevator.

The boy looks at his father and said "Pop what is that?" the father said "I don't know son"

So they stand there watching it until finally a old fat woman gets in the elevator and the doors shut then doors open back up and out comes a beautiful young woman and the father says to his son...

"Quick! go get your ma!"

Re: Joke Thread

Over Sixties Perks

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Keep a fire burning in your eyes
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down

Re: Joke Thread

PLEASE - THIS IS A WARNING TO US ALL!!!!!!!!!!
 
YOU NEED TO READ THIS.

I HAVE JUST RECEIVED THIS WARNING.


Shampoo Warning :



I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!  I use shampoo in the shower.
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning : "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with washing up liquid instead as its label reads :

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."






Problem solved! --- If I don't answer the phone



I'll be in the shower

Re: Joke Thread

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your   thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few     seconds. Then he blushed.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her  knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"




--

Re: Joke Thread

LOL

"I don't have pet peeves...I have whole kennels of irritation."  --Whoopi Goldberg

210

Re: Joke Thread

jamier,

I love your Scottish jokes--they sound just like the  Ole and Lena (Norwegian) jokes that everybody tells around here in Minnesota.

Re: Joke Thread

M.B. wrote:

jamier,

I love your Scottish jokes--they sound just like the  Ole and Lena (Norwegian) jokes that everybody tells around here in Minnesota.

Thanks M.B.

I am from Scotland even though I now live in South Africa so I feel entitled to make Scottish jokes.

Did you know that there are only two Scottish jokes?.

All the other stories are true.

Tell us some of Ole and Lena jokes that make you laugh.

212

Re: Joke Thread

Hi Jamier,

Well, here'e an Ole and Lena joke that has that same kind of one-liner suprise ending as the one you shared. You kinda need to know a little Minnesota geography. Zumbrota is south of the Minneapolis, and Duluth is about 200 miles north of Minneapolis on Lake Superior.


Ole and Lena got married down in Zumbrota and they decided to drive up to the Twin Cities for their honeymoon.  As they were nearing Minneapolis, Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said,"Ole, you can go farder den dat if you vant to."

So Ole drove to Duluth.

Bada-bing.

p.s.: When I was 11, I killed with this joke at the talent show at the Sons of Norway Hall in Wykoff!

Re: Joke Thread

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.

Re: Joke Thread

My girlfriend left a note on my Marshall amp: "It is NOT working. I cannot take anymore. I am leaving".

Well, I switched on the amp, flicked the standby on, cranked up the volume and hit a chord..... PERFECT.

What the heck is she talking about?????

215 (edited by bensonp 2012-09-04 22:34:18)

Re: Joke Thread

Good one Roger.  You probably haven't seen her for awhile, right?  At least the amp is fine.  That's important.

You can see all my video covers on [url]http://www.youtube.com/bensonp1000[/url]
I have finally found happiness in my life.  Guitars, singing, beer and camping.  And they all intertwine wonderfully.

Re: Joke Thread

Could not resist posting this one:


https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/317987_501947249845989_2050309694_n.jpg

Re: Joke Thread

OUCH!   wink

"I don't have pet peeves...I have whole kennels of irritation."  --Whoopi Goldberg

Re: Joke Thread

i heard a kid say this one on tv this morning....

KID:  please sir, do farts have lumps?

TEACHER: no Johnny.

KID: oops, i think i just pood in my pants.

Ask not what Chordie can do for you, but what you can do for Chordie.

Re: Joke Thread

Jokes about German sausage is the wurst !!

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me !!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down !!

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz !!

Energizer Bunny aressted: Charged with battery

I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me !!

Broken pencils are pointless !!


Joe

Re: Joke Thread

The latest best seller at the music store:

http://www.stupidiotic.com/images/airguitarx.gif

Re: Joke Thread

Nicked from Beamer on Fb:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/602176_4755669293835_511710312_n.jpg

Re: Joke Thread

These are a real hoot! Don't if I can stop chuckling long enough to type ...

But there was this dyslexic atheist who suffered from insomnia. He would lay awake nights wondering, "Is there really a Dog?"

ACOUSTICS:  Cordoba D10-CE / LaPatrie "Concert" / Takamine GD30CE-12 / Norman ST30
ELECTRICS:  EP Les Paul Custom Pro / Gretsch Streamliner G2420T / EP Thunderbird Pro IV bass
AMPS:  Peavey "TF" VK212 / Traynor AM150T / Fender Rumble 150
EFFECTS: Boss ME-80 Multi-effects / Ibanez WD7 wah / Grand Orbiter V3 Phaser

Re: Joke Thread

Roger,
I've been looking for a set of those for years. Glad to see they added an extra high E string like they did in the old days !!!!!


  Joe

Re: Joke Thread

Tyson7 wrote:

Jokes about German sausage is the wurst !!

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me !!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down !!

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz !!

Energizer Bunny aressted: Charged with battery

I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me !!

Broken pencils are pointless !!


Joe

I used to be afraid of Math, then I figured it out.  wink

"I don't have pet peeves...I have whole kennels of irritation."  --Whoopi Goldberg

Re: Joke Thread

What do you call a duck that flies upside down?  A Qwack Up.

Without rock and roll, there is no music.