Re: Joke Thread

A rookie cop is sitting outside a local bar waiting to bust an impaired driver.
After a short time he see's a man stagger out of the bar and stagger around the parking lot for at least 15 minutes before getting in his car and driving off. The cop all excited gives chase and pulls the fellow over 1 mile from the bar. The cop asked him if he has been drinking and the driver slurred "no ocifer I have'nt had a slingle drop" Not believing this at all the cop got him to blow into the breath-alizer where he was stunned to find the alcohol reading was zero.
How can this be the cop blurted!!! I watched you for 1/2 an hour staggering around the parking lot trying to find your car. That's easy said the driver...I'm the designated decoy. lol

I gotta try that some time lol

Cheers
Kenny

Just Keepin on Keepin on
Martin DC15E
Cort MR710F
Squire Strat (Chinese)

Re: Joke Thread

How do some dogs get flat noses?
Chasing parked cars.

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

Re: Joke Thread

Two lions escape from the zoo, they see a clown with ballons, hunt him and eat him, halfway through the meal one lion says to the other, " Does this taste kind of funny to you"?



badeye,,         cool

one caper after another

Re: Joke Thread

Roger Guppy wrote:

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. 

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 

'I can't believe how materialistic you blessed Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror. 

'FLIPPING HECK!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

Bwahahahaahah!!!

That one had me rolling on the floor!

=p
Dm

"Talent instantly recognizes genius,
but mediocrity knows nothing more than itself."

-Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle

Re: Joke Thread

How do you excercise a dog with no legs?
Take him for a drag.

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

Re: Joke Thread

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Why Blend in with the Crowd ? When you were made to stand out !

Re: Joke Thread

Old Doll you still crack me up..   




Segosha,,   cool

one caper after another

Re: Joke Thread

Oh, yes indeed, Old Doll.  I am getting a visual on that one and laughing hard.

You can see all my video covers on [url]http://www.youtube.com/bensonp1000[/url]
I have finally found happiness in my life.  Guitars, singing, beer and camping.  And they all intertwine wonderfully.

Re: Joke Thread

A drunk was brought before the judge.
The judge said, "You have been brought here for excessive drinking."
The drunk replied, " Okay, let's get started."

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

Re: Joke Thread

This is relevant, I believe.... haha

How many guitarists does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I
could've done better".

Re: Joke Thread

Unscrupulously stolen from a fishing site:

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.â€

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.â€

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.â€

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.† This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

- Zurf

Granted B chord amnesty by King of the Mutants (Long live the king).
If it comes from the heart and you add a few beers... it'll be awesome! - Mekidsmom
When in doubt ... hats. - B.G. Dude

Re: Joke Thread

Man, I have to laugh at that one, Zurf, because I can only imagine what twisted musical mind came up with that clever joke.  Wow.

You can see all my video covers on [url]http://www.youtube.com/bensonp1000[/url]
I have finally found happiness in my life.  Guitars, singing, beer and camping.  And they all intertwine wonderfully.

Re: Joke Thread

lol lol lol Zurf, stolen or not, that is some joke!! lol lol lol

"Do, or do not; there is no try"

Re: Joke Thread

mekidsmom wrote:

"A man walked into a bar... the second man ducked"

After reading it 4 times I got it, but don't blame me cause I walk into bars regular....oooww...

If a man speaks, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Forgive your enemies, but always remember their names!

Re: Joke Thread

wish i could think of a clean joke....

phill

Ask not what Chordie can do for you, but what you can do for Chordie.

Re: Joke Thread

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the tuba recital.

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

Re: Joke Thread

tubatooter1940 wrote:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the tuba recital.

Sensible chicken.

Granted B chord amnesty by King of the Mutants (Long live the king).
If it comes from the heart and you add a few beers... it'll be awesome! - Mekidsmom
When in doubt ... hats. - B.G. Dude

Re: Joke Thread

Why did the chicken cross the playground???










to get to the other slide.



badeye   cool

one caper after another

Re: Joke Thread

How did the dead skunk cross the playground?
Some weirdo stapled it to a chicken.

We pronounce it "Guf Coast".
Ya'll wanna go down to the Guf?

Re: Joke Thread

Old Hobo walks into a bar and asks the bar tender
'If I show you something amazing, can I get a drink?'
'Have to be pretty special' says bar tender
'OK' says tramp and takes out of his coat a very small grand piano.
'Well, it's pretty, but not special enough for free beer' says bartender
'OK' says Hobo, and takes out a hamster, who is wearing a full bow-tie and tails.
'Wow' says bar tender, who is then further amazed as the Hamsters start a recital of beautiful piano concertos
'Now that is worth free beer' says bartender, hobo smiles.
He then produces a large toad, dressed in a huge ball-gown.
Toad begins to sing opera along with the hamster on the piano
'Now that's free beer all night'
When  the tramp is very drunk, a man comes to him and offers to buy the duo.
Hobo says that he will sell the toad for $1000, which the man promptly pays, snatches up the toad and leaves the bar.
Bartender, now stunned into amazement, says 'Are you mad!! you could have sold these two for millions, or had them performing, earning thousands of dollars a night!!'
'It's alright'  says the hobo 'It's the hamster, he's a ventriloquist'

Re: Joke Thread

Good one.

Granted B chord amnesty by King of the Mutants (Long live the king).
If it comes from the heart and you add a few beers... it'll be awesome! - Mekidsmom
When in doubt ... hats. - B.G. Dude

Re: Joke Thread

Two pieces of string walk into a bar
Bartender tells them to get out, we don't serve string in here
Once outside one piece of string tangles himself all up,
then scuffs about the pavement getting all tatty and hairy
'What are you doing?' asks the other string, 'Going back in' is the reply
'You look familiar', says the bartender 'Ain't you that piece of string?'
String replies 'No, I'm a frayed knot'

Re: Joke Thread

Ha ha ha ha big_smile

Art and beauty are in the eyes of the beholder.
What constitutes excellent music is in the ears of the listener.

Re: Joke Thread

Q;  What's brown and lays under the piano...?
  A;   Bethoven's last movement

   baad ehh?  I know..I know!! smile maui

Re: Joke Thread

A man on his Harley was riding along a Californian beach when suddenly the sky clouded over and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific; and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly be of help to mankind."

The  biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how  she feels inside; what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment; why she cries; what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong'; why she snaps and complains when I try to help; and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied..................















"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

"Do, or do not; there is no try"