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badeye, that is clearly the most original. 

Good for you toots.  It's not too often one comes across a fine deal such as this.  I am convinced if you are looking for one, it will not appear.

Try this Mark.  I found this site a while back.  Never tried it though.
http://weloveyoursongs.com/

It does sound like a thyroid issue.  The metabolism is out of whack.  I hope you reach your goal.  Keep trying.  Never, never, never give up my friend.

The best way is to do what Don said.  Go to that song on YouTube and watch and listen.  It takes awhile to get patterns down, but if you listen to the song, it can help.  Listen for the bass sounds and try to strum with that.  At first it really doesn't matter whether you strum one strum or just back and forth, up, down, up, down.  As time goes by and with lots of practice, you will be able to tell how to strum.  This doesn't help you much, I know, but just listen to the beat and try to copy that with strums.

I am always leary of this, but it has never happened yet.  Make sure you are not tuning them an octave higher than they should be.  It will sound in tune but be way to tight that way.  just a suggestion to look out for.

I found this on another site.  Several have been mentioned already.

1. Make sure the action is low. The action is the distance between the strings and the fretboard. If the action is high on any guitar, that can hurt your fingers. The action should be around 1/16", or 1.5mm, at the 1st fret and 3/16", or 5mm at the 12th fret. You can have the action adjusted in most music stores.

2. Use lighter gauge strings. Try to purchase the newer coated strings. They last longer and are easier to play.

3. If it's your first guitar, try starting with a nylon-string instrument. You can always move to an Acoustic later. Nylon-strings are definitely easier on your fingers, or an electric guitar.

If the guitar is OK, you can still experience pain while your fingers are building calluses. But here are more suggestions that people on my Worship Guitar Class Newsletter list shared with me.

4. Soak your fingers in vinegar for about 30 seconds, and then dry them off before you start playing.

5. Don't play right after you have washed your hands. Rub some rubbing alcohol on your finger tips, let them dry, then play.

6. Use Dubbin on your fingers. This is a leather conditioner apparently from Australia. I'm told it keeps your fingers soft and tough at the same time.

7. From a sewing/craft store you can purchase stick on quilters' thimbles that are made of silicone. They stick to the tips of your fingers. Made in Japan, they only cost a few dollars for a pack of 60.

8. Hold ice on your fingertips before and after you play.

9. Dissolve some Alum in water and soak your fingertips for a few minutes. Dry and play. Repeat for a few days and the "toughness" increases. It's found in the spice section of most grocery stores.

10. One subscriber shared that he would slide his fingers up and down the strings until they hurt. He repeated this every 10 minutes on and off for three days and after that his fingers all had thick calluses.

Jammin around a pot belly stove in the winter.  That sounds like fun also.

Yep, a great story.  We just fall into it sometimes.  Way to go.

I am partial to Rosewood.  It has a deeper sound.  I have three rosewoods.  I may get a Mahogany next if I find the right one.

Wow, chain saws and guitars.  Gives me a bad visual.